Unknown

For those of you who know me, you know that sometimes my philosophical side gets the best of me. I like to question EVERYTHING sometimes. I also thrive on being stressed (usually). I'm almost always stressed about something (not healthy; totally aware of this). Mike actually commented to me last week that he thinks I HAVE to be stressed about something at all times. It's just my nature. And he's kind of right. I'm rarely so stressed that I'm sick about something, but I'm also always thinking about the next thing I have to do.

That's why this morning was rough. I put the two together. I started getting (not stressed....but anxious) about the future and the unknown.

Have you ever listened to the words of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen??? I did this morning. Holy cow...

Here are some of the lyrics:

Mama, just killed a man
Put a gun against his head
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead
Mama, life had just begun
But now I've gone and thrown it all away
Mama, ooo
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters

Too late, my time has come
Sends shivers down my spine
Body's aching all the time
Goodbye everybody - I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
Mama, ooo - (anyway the wind blows)
I don't want to die
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all

Are you kidding me?? If you really listen to these words, this is INCREDIBLY sad. I started thinking about this song from that mother's perspective.

What would you do if your son came up to you and told you he just killed a man and was now going to jail? I wanted to cry listening to this (no, I'm not hormonal at all...ha!).

I've been watching season 6 of Nip/Tuck and in this season Matt, the main character's son, goes to jail because he started robbing convenience stores. The parents kept protecting him and helping him escape justice and then they realized they couldn't help him anymore. They needed him to pay for what he did and maybe that would help him become a better and stronger person. He called his dad to help him (he had been shot and had stitches) and his dad called the police. The police showed up and arrested him and now he's getting beat up in prison...

What would you do?? Would you call the police on your own son?

I know these questions are silly and irrelevant right now, but it got me thinking about the unknown. I have no idea who Dominick will become and I have no control over that.

I know how I want him to grow up. I want him to be a good kid. Obey rules (like curfew, ha!). Get a good education. Go to college. Get his degree. Maybe get his masters or go to medical school. Get a job that can support him. Find a nice girl. Get married (not too young). And have kids. And still see me and Nick. But most of all, I want him to be HAPPY. That's what matters the most.

I often think about my parents and their situation. I never understood why they couldn't "write off" my brother and just let him go. He made it fairly clear that he was choosing his wife and kids over us (even though we never asked him to choose). And I could forget I had a brother. He's not in any of my wedding pictures since he decided to go to a reunion that weekend instead of my wedding. Nick has only met him once. I could forget him. It would be too easy. Why couldn't my parents?

Well now I know. I'm a parent. And I would be devastated if Dominick ever did to me what my brother is doing to my parents. And I would never write him off. As far as he drifts, and as harsh as he is. If he would come back to me and apologize, I would welcome him back with open arms. Because he is my son. I made him. I carried him for 9 months. I gave birth to him. And I gave everything I had to him.

I guess as a parent you never stop worrying. Sometimes you worry about "real" things, like what grade they will get on THIS test, or will they drive safe to THIS event. But most of the time you just worry about the Unknown.

And that Unknown terrifies me...