Major Vent....Sorry in advance

I have to get this out. I know this is probably not the best place for it, since it's public, but I don't care. I have to get it out and just complain and be mad and feel sorry for myself.

Many of you know the whole story about my brother. He's ten years older than me and in the Navy. He and I used to be very close. He got married in 1997. He was then transferred to Hawaii and I visited him a few times there. Everything was great. From Hawaii he moved to Florida and I visited him there. Everything is still great. Finally, from there he moved to California and I even visited him there. I'm his first daughter's godmother.

From there things turn sour. He got sent to Iraq and Afghanistan and things happened and all of a sudden, he wasn't allowed to talk to us anymore. We don't know what changed, but all of a sudden we were the 'bad guys'. No more talking to my brother.

I got engaged in 2005. I emailed my brother and asked if he would come. He emailed me back and promised me that he would "never miss" his little sister's wedding. Fast forward to the NIGHT before my wedding. He calls my cell phone to tell me that he won't be coming in (no kidding) and the reason is his wife hurt her neck and can't watch the kids by herself. Fine. Whatever. I don't believe him but I don't care. He's missing my wedding but he called and I'll try to be the bigger person and accept this. He told me to call him when I got back from my honeymoon and we'd talk more.

Well Nick and I waited three weeks to go on our honeymoon so I called him back the next weekend instead of waiting. His father in law answers. I ask if I can talk to my brother and he tells me that I can't because my brother and his wife flew to Annapolis to go to his reunion...hurt neck?? Can't travel?? So now I'm pissed...

Fast forward to the next year. My sister's wedding. My brother came to her wedding. He apologized for not being at mine and we cried together and I forgave him. Again. He told me things were going to be different. Sure. And stupidly, I believed him.

A little less than a year later, well about 9 months later, my sister was about to have a baby. I called my brother and my sister in law answered. I told her hello and as soon as she found out who I was she handed the phone to my brother, extremely pissed off. My brother got on the phone and told me "I got him in trouble" and he would call me later. Again, I believed him. But that never happened.

I've sent care packages to Iraq each time he was stationed there. I've spent hundreds of dollars on his kids for Christmas. I've tried calling and emailing and I never get a response. I thought I was done. But he's my brother, and I always forgive him if there's a chance.

Fast forward again to about a week ago...I am on Facebook. I searched for my brother, just for fun. He's on there. I never thought he would be. I saw his picture. He was smiling and looking like he was having a good time. It felt weird, like he was so close. I asked to be his friend. For a week, there was no reply...today I learned he declined me...his own sister. He declined me. I can't even begin to process this. He's never seen Dominick. He has no idea what he looks like or how big he is. He doesn't know that he's almost walking and talking all the time and just so perfect. He's only met Nick once. I've only seen him twice since my junior year of college. In almost 5 years, I've seen him twice.

I'm so hurt I can't even begin to describe it. I'm officially done. I have nothing left to give. I've tried for more than 5 years and I've gotten nothing but hurt out of it. Technically he's still my brother...but emotionally, I'm done. I'm very thankful to my sister, my parents, my husband, my mother in law and my amazing 3 sister in laws and 5 brother in laws. I'm happy to have 5 beautiful nieces and 1 awesome nephew here in town. I'm lucky to have amazing, generous friends. And I'm extremely thankful for my perfect son.

Those people I just mentioned, that is my family. He's the one missing out, and I can't try to fix that anymore. I can't change the way life is. I can only accept it and make the most of it. I will do that from now on.

Thank you to the amazing friends and family I have in my life. You all mean more to me than you'll ever know.