Indifference

This is going to be a wordy post, I'm sure. And I apologize in advance for it.

I got an email this morning from my dad. My brother got deployed to Afghanistan again. We didn't know that he got deployed, or at least I didn't. I don't know how long he is gone for. I don't know where he is stationed there. I don't know where he was stationed here! I don't know where his family is living right now. I don't really know anything about him anymore.

It hurts. I don't like that I don't know him anymore. I don't like that I can't see my nieces and nephews. That I don't even know where to send a birthday card to my God-daughter.

But it's starting to hurt less. When I read that email this morning, I didn't hardly flinch. I'm an emotional person. A crier, if you will. The last few times I've read that my brother is being deployed, I've cried. Worried. Said a million prayers. This time, it sent a quick jolt through my system but then it passed. I've continued my day without giving it much of a thought. And that actually scares me more than anything.

I'm afraid of completely not caring. I keep saying I don't care anymore, but he's my brother. My only biological brother. I've come to think of Nick's brothers and brother in law as my brothers, and I love them, but they'll never take the place of my brother. My brother, who I used to watch play basketball. My brother, who I used to beg for piggy back rides. My brother, whose leaving for college was the single most traumatic thing that happened to me while in grade school.

I won't stop saying prayers. I want him to come home. Or go back to where ever he was living. I want him to be happy. If that means never talking to us again, so be it. If he's happy, then I can handle that. I want his kids to have their father, and I am positive that my brother is an absolutely amazing dad.

I want to care. I want to be that emotional person again. I want to send him $50 care packages and cards and letters. But I don't know if I can be that person anymore. I've been hurt too many times.

I'm stuck in a state of complete indifference.