Anxious

I'm officially 11 days past the IUI today. I was 11 days past the IUI when I got my first positive pregnancy test with Dominick. I'm getting really anxious.

I don't think I'm even getting anxious for me. I think it's more for Nick. He struggles with our infertility more than I do. And I feel so guilty. We've had countless tests done and 100% of the problems are mine. I feel so bad that nothing is wrong with him and I can't give him a baby as easily as maybe someone else could. I know that's extreme but I hate that the problems are all my fault.

Every morning, Nick asks me what my temperature is and if it's good or bad. He asks me about random "symptoms" I'm having and asks if they are like the ones I had with Dominick. He called me this morning after he left for work and asked me to wait for him to take a test.

I don't think I want to take one with him there because it will break my heart to see his face if it's negative.

I think he's struggling more now because he had this false sense of security when the first IUI worked. After we got pregnant with Dominick, he would make comments like, "This is great. Every time we want to get pregnant, we'll just go in and do an IUI", like it will automatically work the first try every time. Well, we're learning that's definitely not the case.

We won't officially know one way or the other until Monday. If I don't get a positive test by Monday, I stop taking progesterone and I will start a new cycle.

We still haven't made up our minds about what to do next. My wonderful mother has offered to help us pay for another IUI if the only reason we are waiting is the money. I don't know if that's the only reason. It's definitely A reason, but I don't know if it's the only reason. I'm tired of being on synthetic hormones, and giving myself a shot, and missing work for ultrasounds and tests, all for nothing.

When we went in for the IUI the first time, I asked the doctor when he thought I would be pregnant. He said that most people with my problems got pregnant by their fourth IUI. I got lucky last time, but now it makes me think that I should give it four chances in a row before taking a break. But going through this two more times in the next two months?? I don't know if I can do it.

I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there. In the mean time, I'm still holding out hope that this is the one that worked.

We'll know Monday. Stay tuned.