Coming Clean...

I thought I was being smart. Conservative. Protecting myself. I had chosen to keep certain things private so there wouldn't be any extra added pressure. But I messed up...

By keeping things private, I had no one to talk to. No one to vent to. No one to understand. And by keeping things private, I couldn't blog about it either, and that was even harder than I could have imagined.

I started this blog a few years ago, and even though I don't blog everyday, I love it. It is my online diary. I can write about whatever, whenever. I know that everyone can read it, which is why I was being more private, but I believe that this is something that you readers will understand. And something I need to write about.

A few months ago, Nick and I decided that we were ready to expand our family. We were ready to brave it and try for baby number 2. For those of you who don't know, Nick and I struggled with baby number one. We had lots of problems. First we struggled to stay pregnant. We had two very early miscarriages. Then we struggled to even get pregnant. We had to see a R.E. to move forward and get pregnant with Dom.

We got lucky that time. Our first visit with the RE, we came up with a plan. We followed that plan and we were blessed with Dominick Robert. Our miracle, perfect, wonderful son.

I've done some research and found that sometimes people who struggle with infertility for their first child, sometimes they have no problems with their second. Their bodies figure out what is "supposed" to happen. I had some false hope that I could be that lucky. I wanted to be that lucky.

For some reason, I feel like a failure that I couldn't get pregnant on my own with Dom. I feel like I should have been able to get pregnant. That I did something wrong and that's why I can't get pregnant. I know that's crazy. Sometimes people just struggle. I've had lots of tests done and found that I have two blood clotting problems. One is a chromosomal disorder that I have no control over. I was born with it. I have MTHFR. I tested positive for two copies of the C677T mutation. That's the worst kind of MTHFR you can have. At first, I freaked out about this. But my nurse at the RE's office made me feel better. She told me, "It's like finding out you have diabetes and you need insulin. If you take your medicine every day, things will be fine. You've always had, now you just know. You will be fine". And she was right.

I told Nick that I didn't want to do another IUI. That I wanted to get pregnant on my own or with limited medicine. He told me it wouldn't work, but I was stubborn. I wanted to try. So we tried. I did everything I was supposed to. I took my temperature every morning. I ate right. I exercised. I lost weight. But nothing.

Then we tried Clomid. I took Clomid with Dominick, along with the IUI, and I thought maybe just that would work. We took the medicine and tried that month, but it didn't work.

I finally gave in. We knew Nick's insurance was getting ready to change so we decided to try earlier than later. Last month we tried our first IUI for baby number two. I took Clomid for 5 days. We did an ultrasound that showed I had one good egg. I had to give myself a hormone injection to ensure that I would ovulate. Then we did the IUI.

The morning of the IUI I was sick. So sick that I almost didn't make it to the IUI. I was throwing up and it was just awful. But I went. I had already spent the money and taken all the medicine. I threw up on the way there. Threw up on the way home. It was not pleasant. But it could have all been worth it.

However, two weeks after that IUI, I didn't get a positive pregnancy test. And I had to make a decision. We had to make a decision.

We've decided to try one more IUI for now. If that doesn't work then we're enjoying our summer and taking a nice long break. I started the medicine for the IUI last week. I took Clomid for 5 days. Today I had my ultrasound. I was really really hoping for good news.

That's not what I got. I only have 1 egg again, and it's not even mature yet. They are sending me for a blood test to see how close I am to being ready to ovulate. Based on the results of that blood test, they will tell me when to give myself the hormone injection and we'll go from there. My doctor was guessing the egg would be ready Sunday. So I would give myself the injection on Saturday and then we'd do the IUI Monday morning. But he won't know anything until I get my blood drawn. I am getting that done at 4:20 today.

It's all so frustrating. It's emotionally hard. Financially hard. Physically hard. So many people tell me that they know how hard it is. But they don't. Not really. It's so sweet of people to be there for me, but unless you've been through it, I don't think you can really know. It took us 14 months to conceive Dominick. Now for this dream baby number two, we've tried 5 months, 3 of those with medication. It's just hard.

I don't get how people can get pregnant on accident. I really don't. How can someone get pregnant when they don't want a baby and they use some sort of birth control and I can take medicine and do everything right, and still not get a baby? It's not fair.

We can't afford to try this every month so if this one doesn't work, we'll wait until September or October. I'm really hoping it doesn't come to that.

I know that everything happens for a reason. I really do believe that. I think it took so long for us to get pregnant with Dominick so that we can really appreciate him. We would do anything for him and he means more to us than anything else in the world. I know that by making this journey hard, we will feel the same way about baby number two. And it makes us appreciate Dominick more too.

No matter what, we will be fine. I know this. This makes our marriage stronger. We lean on each other and it will all be fine. It really will.

But I'm really hoping that we'll get lucky this time. Please say some prayers. We can use them.